My mother joined the Mall Walkers because she wants to lose weight and meet new people. I like to go for walks downtown to find places to overeat and eyeball women that will never have an interest in me.

On one such walk, I walked past an attractive young woman wearing tights as pants, which is not at all appropriate; it gives them an unfair advantage. After she passed, I turned around to have a look from behind. "Nice," I thought.

I was beginning to turn back around and be on my way when I was started to see the shadow of a dog cast on the sidewalk. I swiveled my head around several times and saw no dog. I realized, I didn't see my own shadow either. I edged back away from the shadow and it followed my movements. My shadow was in the shape of a dog's. I clumsily clutched my throat as if it might make the breath begin moving again.

When I finally did start breathing, I walked along anxiously trying to ignore my situation. I wondered if other people might notice and want to put me in the circus or perform experiments.

I saw a cat and before I could stop myself I had chased it to an alley and was rooting through the garbage piles looking for it. The dog catcher captured me, and I was taken to the PETA shelter where I was eventually euthanized in the most ethical manner.