There is no better way to ensure loneliness than to adopt the sensibilities of the porcupine. When our spines are their sharpest and our cores are their hardest we are unable to feel the subtle emotional emanations around us. To the most sensitive, these fields resemble hundreds of vibrantly colored rings that repeat the outline of a person. These are the findings of my independent research conducted prior to 1987.

To be in tune with these fields is to understand which emotional response is correct at a given time, say after a girl tells you that her grandmother has died and she is living all alone in that old house. The emotional field emanating from said female would indicate quite clearly that the correct response is sympathy and perhaps subtle non-committal but overtly casual physical contact - say between your palm and her shoulder.

To those of us who are insensitive to these fields, of course, the most obvious response is to ask if she has a boyfriend and needs a roommate.

Work conducted more recent than mine by such geniuses as L. Ron Hubbard and Tom Arnold seems to indicate that these emanations are in fact transferable and malleable so that one person can ostensibly change emotional states while their internal emotional indicators remain constant. However, it is important to note that more research in this area would be required to make any definitive statement.

Pending that research, I would be able to make the processes and techniques by which one may be able to transfer or alter their sentimental auras available to you for the small nominal fee of 200 dollars.

So far I have had one taker on this offer, or rather, a potential taker - my neighbor Ted who has so far stubbornly refused to produce payment for my child care services already rendered. I spoke to him at length of the importance and potential of having the ability to control how others perceive his emotional condition while he was in his garage packing all of his family's belongings into boxes and stacking these inside of a moving truck. He seemed nervous, but I continued, "And so you see, even your very own wife could be made to believe that you were romantically interested in her!" At this his expression changed to one of disbelief. He gathered his wife and daughter who had been packing boxes in the garage with him and the three scurried inside the house and slammed the door. I stepped into the front garden. Peering through their window blinds and now yelling I continued, "Your daughter for instance, could be protected from the guilt of being an unplanned pregnancy!" The blinds slapped shut and everything was quiet except for a sprinkler in the distance, cht-cht-cht-cht-cht.

The Cleavers are not as widely admired as other messianic figures.